


Navigating Hell

by WitchFlame (RachelMcN)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale is Unimpressed, Crowley is So Done (Good Omens), Dagon Just Wants Her Files In Order, Demons Are Assholes, Gen, Going to Hell, Hell, Hell is a Maze, Humor, Nobody Wants Responsibility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23952565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RachelMcN/pseuds/WitchFlame
Summary: Some idiot has gotten it into their heads to go and drag his angel into Hell.Crowley goes to fetch him, of course. Hell isn't the most organised of affairs, should be a piece of cake. He just has to exert his will on a few lower demons, stay out of the way of any of the higher demons and try to avoid getting landed with any excessive administration work on the way. Yeah. Easy.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	Navigating Hell

Crowley wanted to rip somebody’s head off. “For the last time,” he snarled, “bring me the bloody angel and I’ll _prove_ it.” 

Gaki fluttered their hands for quiet. “But how will we know,” they croaked, “that it's an act?” The demons surged into agreement again at this fresh new insight. If Crowley managed to get through this ordeal without ripping several lower demons apart it was going to be a true demonic miracle. 

“Because,” he growled, stooping to their level of logic, “it is an _angel_. And being actual friends with an angel would be _stupid_.” This stunningly correct statement won them over briefly as they considered this new stance. “And I’m the Serpent of Eden,” he decided to push his luck, “Do you think Lucifer would have sent up somebody stupid to break into the garden?” In all likelihood, yes, obviously. It was a suicidal move at the time and Crowley is under no illusion that up until he tempted Eve he was nothing but a disposable minion. The lower demons are thrown by this new thread. “You’re not calling Lucifer stupid, are you?” Crowley gasped, pressing a hand flat against his sternum. The logical leap is ridiculous but the very possibility of being thought to be seen insulting the Lord of Hell is finally enough for him to break through to the cretins. 

“Of course not!” Gaki croaked worriedly, “We were just, trying to understand your...your...stroke of genius. Please, don’t let us hold you any longer.” 

“ _Finally_ ,” he snarled, shoving his way through the skittering crowd, “Right, now where...?” 

“ _Crowley,”_ a familiar voice rattled out and Crowley groaned and beat his head against the closest wall. “You better not be licking the walls, Crowley!” Dagon ground out and Crowley spun on his heel to face the Lord of the Files. 

“ _Dagon_ ,” he greeted, “how are you doing? Listen, I know my last few...dozen...reports were a bit of a mess but soon as I wrap up here I’ll tidy them right up.” 

“You didn’t file for bringing an angel down here,” Dagon growled inches from his face. 

“Ah, right, well that would be because I _didn’t_ , but I can fix that quick for you if I can just-” 

“I have an angel down here from your patch and _no paperwork._ ” 

“Dagon, my patch is _Earth_ ,” Crowley protested, “There’s a lot of it, and as a global operative I can’t know what’s going on in every little bit of it every second. Chase whoever brought them down here!” 

“Angel. Paperwork,” Dagon snarled into his face, crowding him back against the wall, “ _Now.”_

_“Fine_ ,” he hissed back, “just show me the bloody angel and I’ll fill in your stupid paperwork.” 

Satisfied, Dagon yanked him forward by the lapels and started dragging him after her. He stumbled trying to keep his feet, cursing as she stormed down the corridors, a demon on a mission. He fell into her when she suddenly jerked to a stop, shying back at her furious glare. She cranked the door open and Crowley leaned forward, eager to see what was through the doorway. A literal boot in his back sent him yelping into the dank room, a sheaf of paperwork tossed after him to spiral around him in the air. 

“Great,” he yelled back at her sarcastically, “thanks.” He watched one of the sad sheets of paper drift to the ground and start curling with the damp. He really wanted to kill somebody today. He hated paperwork. A throat cleared pointedly. His head snapped up, a possible target in range. 

“ _You,”_ he snarled. He had no idea who they were. They stared at him. He pointed viciously at the papers at his feet. “ _Those_ are yours,” he hissed, storming forward and feeling the first measure of satisfaction all day as they wisely skittered back from him. He slammed his palm against their chest, pinning their back to the wall. “ _That,”_ he spat, waving vaguely in the direction of Aziraphale, “is mine. Now _piss off.”_ He relaxed his hold just enough for the quivering demon to slip away from him and scurry out of the door. “ ** _Papers!_** ” he howled after them. The chastised demon slunk back in long enough to scoop the damp-infused pieces of paperwork into a sodden pile in his arms before he resumed scarpering. 

“ _Bastard,”_ Crowley growled. He turned to find one more demon standing behind the angel. “And what do you want?!” 

“Nothing, uh, sir,” they squeaked, pulling themself along the wall, “I was just leaving.” They tripped over themselves as they dashed for the door, falling through in a tangle of limbs. Crowley glared after their retreating back. 

A shuffling at his feet caught his attention and he looked down to find Aziraphale pressing against his leg. “Hello to you too,” he sighed, “I don’t suppose you know who dragged you down here? Because I have no idea who that was.” Aziraphale’s wings rustled and he very carefully did not look up. “Yeah,” Crowley sighed, “didn’t think so. Alright then; once more into the breach.” 

He leaned down and grabbed Aziraphale’s arm, pulling the angel to his feet. Aziraphale gasped and staggered against him, Crowley forced to brace him or let him fall. “Going to need you to walk out of here with me,” Crowley cautioned, “Dragging you would attract a bit too much attention and we’re going to be getting enough of that as is.” A nosy busybody poked their head into the room as the angel was convincing his feet into co-operating but they wisely made themselves scarce before Crowley could lay into them. He hissed into the surrounding air instead, feeling the irritation prickling. 

“We good?” he checked, when Aziraphale had stopped leaning against him quite so heavily. The angel nodded meekly. Crowley took that as his cue to leave, and poked his own head out warily, keeping an eye out for Dagon or Listur or Hastur or Beezlebub or any of a dozen other demons which could effectively ruin his day. “Okay,” he tempted fate, “let’s go.” Aziraphale followed him closely and Crowley was forced to adopt a much slower pace than he preferred to accommodate the angels restricted movement. Taking the chains off while still in Hell was just begging for trouble. 

A faint scent spun into existence in the air before him and Crowley took a deep breath, letting the scent coat his tongue. His eyes flattened into golden disks and he quickly grabbed the angels arm and dragged him off down a different corridor, pulling the angel behind him. A door edged into existence and Crowley tore it open, pushing Aziraphale inside and slamming it behind himself, letting out a breath of relief. He _did not_ want to face Beelzebub trailing an angel. 

A quivering squeak eked out of Aziraphale and Crowley slowly turned in dread. Several demons stared back at him. His eyes quickly tore around the room, taking in the poorly gutted corpses and broken gleam in their eyes. “Good morning class,” he crowed in faux excitement, clapping his hands together, “who here has seen an angel before?” A few heads shook and one enterprising arm rose to point unerringly at Aziraphale. “Very good!” he encouraged, as Aziraphale shuffled back against the wall, “who’s a clever almost-demon, yes you are!” Through the door, the smell of Beezlebub was approaching. “And where do angels live?” he asked desperately, attention only partly with the human-twisted souls. That seemed to throw them for a minute as they turned to look at each other, mulling it over. 

“Hell?” one of them tried. 

“Oh, so close,” he commiserated. 

“...Hell?” another guessed. 

“Tell you what, why don’t we come back to that one,” Crowley took pity on them, “Now, who can tell me what angels hate?” They stared at each other again. 

“Hell,” one ventured confidently. 

“Wow, good call, that’s amazing,” Crowley praised mindlessly as he creaked the door open, taking a deep breath to check the coast was clear, “Well, I’m sad to say that’s all we’ve got time for today, study hard kids!” He pulled Aziraphale out through the door and slammed it behind him, wheezing. Aziraphale was very, deliberately quiet. “Oh, shut up,” he hissed, “they’re not my project, they’re Azazels. And he’s bonkers. I’m not going to be the one to tell him to quit it.” 

“What were you doing in Azazel’s classroom,” somebody twittered, “While we’re on the subject.” 

Crowley jerked, looking up to find a lower demon watching him. He blinked. “I wasn’t.” She frowned back, not buying it. 

“I just saw you. You literally just came out of there.” 

“Out of where?” 

“There! With an angel nonetheless.” 

“What angel?” 

She stared at him. He stared back. 

“Oh, you arse,” she growled. 

“I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about,” Crowley denied, “On an unrelated note, how would you like to earn a recommendation for field work?” 

She stared at him. He stared back. 

“What’s the catch?” she demanded. 

“I need you to scout ahead and warn me if any bigger fish are swimming my way.” She considered this. “Also, I’m firing the idiot that kidnapped the angel,” he added, “with extreme prejudice. Once I figure out who he is.” 

“Lempo?” 

“ _Lempo_. What a bastard.” 

She grinned at him. “At your service, sir.” 

He pushed off the door as she scurried ahead of him, keeping Aziraphale close in case he needed to drag the angel out of sight again. A loud, fawning greeting alerted Crowley well enough when Ligur was incoming, in plenty of time to cram Aziraphale into a dead-end and hide with him. The recruited demon performed well a second time when Hastur slunk through the corridors nearby, Aziraphale ending up shoved into another room that turned out to be a quite disgusting storage space. 

“ _Ronove_ _,"_ the demon emphasised when Crowley finally reached the exit, angel safely in tow, “in case you forget.” 

“Noted,” Crowley agreed, fully intending to follow through with the deal, “avoid pissing off the local angelic wildlife when you’re in town and we’ll get on great. Causes a real mess for me when this happens.” She bowed with a flourish as he tugged Aziraphale out of the back exit, finding himself in the arse-end of nowhere. 

“Well,” he exclaimed, “that could have gone worse.” He didn’t have to see Aziraphale’s glare to know it was there. 


End file.
